His start was not great. He came out covered in goo and not very responsive. He cried a little but not much. He hit my chest for a minute and then was sadly whisked off to the Nicu at Norwalk Hospital. Here he was for the split second I got to make skin contact with him.
He was a perfect stranger who grew in me for 10 months and I wasn't able to see him. They said he was fine and they were just observing him and I relaxed. My husband went to check on him and came back 10 minutes later looking different than I had ever seen him. He told me that Emmett had a seizure and was being transferred to Yale to be placed on Thermal Therapy to stop possible brain swelling and more seizures. I just kept thinking... this can't be happening, he's fine they are over reacting, he is fine. Moments later I fainted...they said it was from the labor and blood loss but I think it was shock.
When I arrived at Yale I got to my room and asked when I could see my son, within a half hour he was ready to be seen. I was so scared to go there. I went in a wheelchair to make sure I didn't faint again...and the most amazing nurse named Nicole walked my husband and I down to the fourth floor. There we were introduced to our son...Emmett. I don't have any pictures from that day because I didn't think to take any. I was scared of what his future was. What our future was as a family.
I cried on and off throughout the day. Visiting him on and off all day was exhausting and when it was time for people to go home they did and Pete and I returned to our room with no baby and cried ourselves to sleep.
The next day I woke up and it was still happening, no seizures or anything but we were still at Yale, still unable to hold him, still unable to make a connection to this baby. I wasn't sure if I was unable to make a connection or if I was choosing to not make a connection. Today I can tell you it was a little of both.
There I was looking at my son with thermometers up his nose, blue hands and feet, lines coming from his belly button, and oxygen being blown in his nose and fell in love. Or at least as much as I would let myself for that day. He even held onto our hands and we took our first family photo
The next day came with a new challenge I had to leave my new baby at a hospital and go home. I know what your thinking I would have stayed 24/7 but even though we had access to him 24/7 there was no where to sleep or rest so at night it was time to go on the 40 minute drive home. We read our son a book, got our things together, walked to the car, and both cried hysterically when we got into it. It was every pregnant lady's nightmare, leaving the hospital with no baby. When we got home we cried even harder and then held each other before we went to bed. We talked about every fear we had that night and I feel in love with my husband all over again. We decided we were parents even if our baby needed to stay a little longer for some hospital TLC. We were going to be great parents even if he wasn't at our house. We called three times that night and were at the hospital in the morning ready to do it again and again until he came home.
Remember at this time I had still not held my child. He had only touched my hands and I only touched him for moments. I had no idea what it was like to feel him on my chest, or smell his hair, or rock him asleep. I was needing to hold him as soon as possible. I was able to a long 72 hours later (plus a couple more) and to make it even sweeter it was Valentines day.
Marianna put Emmett in my hands and I didn't cry like I thought I would, instead I just smiled at him and stared at his face. While I did that I heard my husband taking pictures and crying. It was a magical moment that I waited four days to have and it felt amazing.
Then it was my husbands turn to hold his boy...and it was instant friends for life
The days continued on with steps forward and back, but mostly forward until on the 19th day we got to put him in his car seat, bring him down the elevator, out of the hospital, on the highway, and to our home to start our life together as a real family...baby and all.
Hi Family of Three sent from Thee,
ReplyDeleteLiving through Emmett's new life in print is an amazing healing for me so I can only imagine how it has helped you see yourselves as Emmett's parents, protectors, advocates, and survivors. You were given the gift of Emmett and only you two will ever know the enormous bond mommy and daddy have had carved on their hearts when Emmett entered your life.
I know that this blog is the one of many steps you and Pete must walk to get your footing. You have each been gracious in accepting and listening to all the thoughts your family members and freinds have offered. Know that all are offered with love. We who are parents and grandparents only have your family's best interest at heart. Saying this I realize it's tough to filter through what we want you to do with "E". We think we know the "how to" when in reality if you continue to take your time, seek out whatever professional help you choose, and listen to what "E" says to you in his own way you'll all be fine.
Fear of not being a good parent usually comes from trying too hard to please everyone around you.Just stay in tune with "E", he'll let you know if he's not happy. From what I've seen "E" is happy and thriving and that's no accident. Pete and you have made each of his transitions lovingly and he knows it.
Love,
Emmett's Great Aunt Ginny
PS I was just a regular aunt until Emmett came along and made me great.
I think the mommy you want to be and the mommy you are is great. Whatever the future holds for you, Pete and Emmett know your family loves you and will always be here for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Great Cousin Cyndie, Marc, Riley & Dylan
Emmett had a rough start. You and Pete were hit with a very challenging situation right from the start. As hard as everything was, there have been such gifts through all of this. I got to see the incredible bond and love you and Pete share. I always knew it was there, but when it is put to a test, it can become very shaky. You leaned on each other and drew you strength from your love and commitment to Emmett.
ReplyDeleteEmmett has such a strong constitution. He has overcome a tremendous start to life. But like his parents, he rose to the occasion by growing strong, full of personality and love. Emmett's presence in my life has been literally life saving. I am so proud of his strength and determination to overcome his earlier challenges. He opened up a heart that had been shut down. He is my little miracle and I am so thankful for him.
In case anyone didn't recognize who was commenting earlier, it was Emmett's Grandma.
ReplyDeleteEven after reading all of Pete's updates and seeing Emmett's story unfold in front of me (on facebook at least), tears are streaming down my face as I read this and the beautiful comments from your family. You and Pete are amazing people... I have no doubt that you are and will continue to be amazing parents. I can't wait to meet Emmett and hug you and Pete.
ReplyDeleteYou are such an amazing woman. Your strength as a new mom during this challenging time is admirable. Seeing all you and Pete were going through during Emmett's beginning was heart-breaking, yet inspirational. You took a difficult situation and put such a positive twist into it - I don't think many people would be able to do that. I just remember feeling so helpless, wishing there was something I could do to help. As I look back, I just think it is a sign of what is to come for little Emmett - he came into this world a fighter. He is going to be as amazing as his parents - a strong-willed, determined person who will make sure he makes his dreams come true, overcoming any obstacles that get in his way. I think the three of you are going to have an amazing life together! My mother always said she believes that we choose our parents while we are in heaven before we are born, I don't know if that is true, but if it is Emmett made the best choice he could ever make!
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