Almost two years ago Ryan passed away. He was the person I looked up to for guidance as a child, and as we grew up we grew apart because that is what siblings do, mostly ones who live so differently as my brother and I did. I followed rules and did as I was expected to please others and Ryan didn't. The night he died changed me in an instant. I was no longer the angry sister who wanted to be the one living "right", I wanted to be the sister he probably always wanted but it was too late. I was very hard on my brother because of his choices he made and how it changed my family forever. I was angry for along time.
I was angry when my son was born and not "healthy". I remember thinking throughout my whole pregnancy that I paid my dues with my brother dying young so the pregnancy and labor would be a given easy venture. When that didn't happen I was even more angry with my brother because he was still not helping me the way I wanted him to...not doing what was "right" for me like I always wanted him to do.
Today after 11 weeks of being a mother and having my son I now know that it is silly to be angry at him. Maybe he did this to allow me to stop using his death as a way to feel entitled to a smooth ride in the rest of life.
I now have a son who is healthy, really he was only sick for a little while. I am lucky to have someone that loves me so much come into my life to remind me to not take advantage of their presence.
I think of my brother everyday and miss him every second. He was a hero who lost his way and had to leave to be my hero again. I don't think if that makes sense but it does to me so i'm gonna go with it.
Love
We lose a life and life changes so completely. We gain a life and life changes so completely. The start and end of life have many different scenarios. Ryan's life was my first miracle and as you know you become a mom with your first. I miss my Ryan everyday. It's so hard to watch my other three miracles miss their brother and there is nothing I can do about it. It is my prayer that Ryan's death changes hearts. I know how much you want Ryan to know Emmett. I wish he could. Although Ryan is not with us in life, he is with us in spirit and I know he loves Emmett and is watching him grow each day. I'm proud of you for learning the lessons that come from hard times. If we don't learn the lesson it's a wasted opportunity Believe it or not, Emmett's difficult start has contributed to you being the incredible mom you are. He is so lucky to have you. I've never known a mom to be so in tune with a child. Keep doing what you're doing and call to Ryan to be with you. He loved you so much from the day you were born and he loves you still. I love you.
ReplyDeleteRemember Lisa all that I taught you applies to real life just not your classroom....and now you have a littel life to show and change the world with! Much love XOXO Quincy
ReplyDeleteI LOVE QUINCY
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